The year 2006 - year of red fire dog - is a year of struggle for me. Don't get me wrong, I sooo love dogs but maybe dogs sometimes hate or not even compatible with roosters. I wonder why this year didn't turned out the way I want it to be. I feel I am not on the right track right now. I'm feeling all this negativity around me. Recently, during my quiet moments, I always wonder why and what happened?
I always have everything planned.
I always try to keep focused.
I always make sure I am heading the right direction.
But for the past 2 years, looking back now, I feel that I'm heading nowhere. I always try to prepare myself for the future but why am I stuck with same-old-same-old me 2 years ago? I thought that living here in Manila will let me experience my so-called metropolitan life I've always wanted before I move on for greener pastures on some foreign land. But hell, right now what I have is the end-result of an immature, selfish, prison-break-wild-guy stuck in his quarter-life crisis phenomenon. And to be honest, I feel that I'm using this quarter-life-crisis as an excuse for my immaturity and selfishness!
People who are close to me may disagree about me being selfish. But I am. I maybe be able to continuously support my family but it is definitely not enough. I spend so much money for my self, my loans, my luxury, unnecessary things, thus, sacrificing things I could've offered for my family.
I'm venting this out right now because if I will not do this, I feel that I am about to explode. I have a lot of worries. My heartbeat is always twice the normal beats per minute everyday.
I just received this blog announcement from my mentor and after reading through her 2 entries, it suddenly hit me. Realization sinking in. (Tears puring down my cheeks right now... :'(...huhu! )
I feel worse. I am such a failure for my standards. (Tears still pouring down... gawd! Let it stop! Am I just mushy today?). Let me just give you some snippets on her post that really hits me big time:
I must agree though that I have to be thankful and be grateful for the good and the bad things I have right now. I am aware I am responsible for my mistakes... for where I am right now. But like what I've told you my friend... I still can't forgive my self yet. Not yet. And I know I have to start from there.
Right now I'm stuck.
I don't know where to go or how to create opportunities. I've forgotten what I used to be. I miss that person... the old Lance who is full of hope and courage. I miss that positive thinker. I am so consumed with this worldly and ungodly things around me. And realizing this breaks my heart... again... sob... sob!
I hope I can just be someone who doesn't care about life at all. I hope I can be that someone who doesn't worry about the future and just living life as it is. But I am not that person...
Eversince college, I have always live my life like Michael Jordan:
I know the person I want to become and the life I want to have... and right now, I can't focus on getting there... I should stop navigating my life...
I always have everything planned.
I always try to keep focused.
I always make sure I am heading the right direction.
But for the past 2 years, looking back now, I feel that I'm heading nowhere. I always try to prepare myself for the future but why am I stuck with same-old-same-old me 2 years ago? I thought that living here in Manila will let me experience my so-called metropolitan life I've always wanted before I move on for greener pastures on some foreign land. But hell, right now what I have is the end-result of an immature, selfish, prison-break-wild-guy stuck in his quarter-life crisis phenomenon. And to be honest, I feel that I'm using this quarter-life-crisis as an excuse for my immaturity and selfishness!
People who are close to me may disagree about me being selfish. But I am. I maybe be able to continuously support my family but it is definitely not enough. I spend so much money for my self, my loans, my luxury, unnecessary things, thus, sacrificing things I could've offered for my family.
I'm venting this out right now because if I will not do this, I feel that I am about to explode. I have a lot of worries. My heartbeat is always twice the normal beats per minute everyday.
I just received this blog announcement from my mentor and after reading through her 2 entries, it suddenly hit me. Realization sinking in. (Tears puring down my cheeks right now... :'(...huhu! )
I feel worse. I am such a failure for my standards. (Tears still pouring down... gawd! Let it stop! Am I just mushy today?). Let me just give you some snippets on her post that really hits me big time:
"How can I say with conviction that life is wonderful inspite of it all? WELL, BECAUSE I'VE LEARNED THE ART OF BEING GRATEFUL."I miss my mentor so much. I owe a lot of what I've become because of her, not only as my former boss but as my dear friend and mentor. I still want her to be my inspiration on these trying times but there is this voice inside me that no matter how I try to look back and think of what she's been through and how she redeem herself in the process, I still hear its whispers telling that my situation is still different.
"I've learned to be thankful for whatever comes my way, GOOD OR BAD..Also, a long time ago, I learned to take responsibility for my life, for my mistakes..ANd so scapegoating is not in my vocabulary. When things go wrong, I ask myself, "What could i have done to cause it?" When things are great, I just look up to heaven and say, "thank u lord!""
"As i listened to the church music & the preaching, my tears started to fall..I realized that I missed Jesus so much; that i've been too busy; that i've been caught up w/ all the worldly things; that it's been a while since i last listened to HIs word...AND YET, INSPITE OF IT ALL, GOD HAS RICHLY BLESSED ME!!!!"
"If God were a collector of debt, I'll be put in jail by now.. I owe Him so much of my time, my commitment, my life! And its time i put my life in perspective..God must be the Navigator, not me."
I must agree though that I have to be thankful and be grateful for the good and the bad things I have right now. I am aware I am responsible for my mistakes... for where I am right now. But like what I've told you my friend... I still can't forgive my self yet. Not yet. And I know I have to start from there.
Right now I'm stuck.
I don't know where to go or how to create opportunities. I've forgotten what I used to be. I miss that person... the old Lance who is full of hope and courage. I miss that positive thinker. I am so consumed with this worldly and ungodly things around me. And realizing this breaks my heart... again... sob... sob!
I hope I can just be someone who doesn't care about life at all. I hope I can be that someone who doesn't worry about the future and just living life as it is. But I am not that person...
Eversince college, I have always live my life like Michael Jordan:
"I visualize myself where I wanted to be... what kind of person I wanted to become. I know exactly where I wanted to go. And I focused on getting there."
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