Life's Snippets from Claudia

The year 2006 - year of red fire dog - is a year of struggle for me. Don't get me wrong, I sooo love dogs but maybe dogs sometimes hate or not even compatible with roosters. I wonder why this year didn't turned out the way I want it to be. I feel I am not on the right track right now. I'm feeling all this negativity around me. Recently, during my quiet moments, I always wonder why and what happened?

I always have everything planned.
I always try to keep focused.
I always make sure I am heading the right direction.

But for the past 2 years, looking back now, I feel that I'm heading nowhere. I always try to prepare myself for the future but why am I stuck with same-old-same-old me 2 years ago? I thought that living here in Manila will let me experience my so-called metropolitan life I've always wanted before I move on for greener pastures on some foreign land. But hell, right now what I have is the end-result of an immature, selfish, prison-break-wild-guy stuck in his quarter-life crisis phenomenon. And to be honest, I feel that I'm using this quarter-life-crisis as an excuse for my immaturity and selfishness!

People who are close to me may disagree about me being selfish. But I am. I maybe be able to continuously support my family but it is definitely not enough. I spend so much money for my self, my loans, my luxury, unnecessary things, thus, sacrificing things I could've offered for my family.

I'm venting this out right now because if I will not do this, I feel that I am about to explode. I have a lot of worries. My heartbeat is always twice the normal beats per minute everyday.

I just received this blog announcement from my mentor and after reading through her 2 entries, it suddenly hit me. Realization sinking in. (Tears puring down my cheeks right now... :'(...huhu! )

I feel worse. I am such a failure for my standards. (Tears still pouring down... gawd! Let it stop! Am I just mushy today?). Let me just give you some snippets on her post that really hits me big time:

"How can I say with conviction that life is wonderful inspite of it all? WELL, BECAUSE I'VE LEARNED THE ART OF BEING GRATEFUL."

"I've learned to be thankful for whatever comes my way, GOOD OR BAD..Also, a long time ago, I learned to take responsibility for my life, for my mistakes..ANd so scapegoating is not in my vocabulary. When things go wrong, I ask myself, "What could i have done to cause it?" When things are great, I just look up to heaven and say, "thank u lord!""

"As i listened to the church music & the preaching, my tears started to fall..I realized that I missed Jesus so much; that i've been too busy; that i've been caught up w/ all the worldly things; that it's been a while since i last listened to HIs word...AND YET, INSPITE OF IT ALL, GOD HAS RICHLY BLESSED ME!!!!"

"If God were a collector of debt, I'll be put in jail by now.. I owe Him so much of my time, my commitment, my life! And its time i put my life in perspective..God must be the Navigator, not me."

I miss my mentor so much. I owe a lot of what I've become because of her, not only as my former boss but as my dear friend and mentor. I still want her to be my inspiration on these trying times but there is this voice inside me that no matter how I try to look back and think of what she's been through and how she redeem herself in the process, I still hear its whispers telling that my situation is still different.

I must agree though that I have to be thankful and be grateful for the good and the bad things I have right now. I am aware I am responsible for my mistakes... for where I am right now. But like what I've told you my friend... I still can't forgive my self yet. Not yet. And I know I have to start from there.

Right now I'm stuck.

I don't know where to go or how to create opportunities. I've forgotten what I used to be. I miss that person... the old Lance who is full of hope and courage. I miss that positive thinker. I am so consumed with this worldly and ungodly things around me. And realizing this breaks my heart... again... sob... sob!

I hope I can just be someone who doesn't care about life at all. I hope I can be that someone who doesn't worry about the future and just living life as it is. But I am not that person...

Eversince college, I have always live my life like Michael Jordan:

"I visualize myself where I wanted to be... what kind of person I wanted to become. I know exactly where I wanted to go. And I focused on getting there."

I know the person I want to become and the life I want to have... and right now, I can't focus on getting there... I should stop navigating my life...